oh the brood

i've probably lost my initial inspiration by this point, but i still feel disappointed and sad. i just come back from club, from big new gay party night, with new boy, new friend, boy i like, gorgeous boy, trouble, been warned, stay away, my friend says, "he gave me an std," he gave someone else an std too supposedly, but i don't care, i like him, i'm incredibly attracted to him, always have been, seen him around for years and years and years, and i give him all of my attention, dutifully, following him around, holding his hand, on display, respectful, cuz i'm a nice guy, really, ever so, but there is only so much bullshit i can take. it was a date, maybe it wasn't a date, maybe not exactly, i don't know, it was like we're excited to see each other, the first two hours wonderful, the club sucked and then you showed up and everything was ok, it didn't matter, i had this beautiful boy, a beautiful boy that perhaps the whole club has already fucked once or thrice, but for now he was into me, i was validated, i'm not an ugly wretch, and even if i am, there is something, many things, special about me, that this beautiful alcoholic boy can see. i know i am special, i know i am a nice guy, i know i'm one hell of a unique androgynous messy catch of not like all the other faggots. why are you liking me back, why are you making my life difficult, good thing i don't care. but why now, these sleazy fucks show up, oh their you friends, ugly and fat, and lame, and you're giving them all of the attention you were just giving me. do you want me to rescue you, no. you want me to stay, to hang, maybe i can't hang anymore. the way this ugly fuck is holding you, touching you, the way i was not less than twenty minutes ago, this is ok with you? we are on the same level? i'm just another mediocre loser in line to validate you with all of my attention. i'm trying to be respectful, i'm trying not to be fucking jealous, but there is only so much i can take. everyone can see me, everyone watching paying attention, no one really, but just in case, well they can see me for a tool, a douche, a fucking retard, i've written of my experience before, like a shadow to tony voong, god damn him, all of his world, and then one "busted nut" later and i'm just another boy, another kid, another person to know. i'm very up front with the matter that at some times i don't know what the fuck it is i want, but i know quite clearly that it is to not be treated like shit, to be forgotten. making out with a stripper now, fat ugly black guy even abandoned, i had to wave goodbye, lesser retards would have already walked out, but i had to give you the gift of the disappointed look you gave me, if but for an instant, oh the guilt, yeah right, yr so damn drunk you've already forgotten. so i walk home, call my god damn bestest friend mikey, he's like "what, i'm fucking some boy, call me tomorrow," i'm like ok, whatever, it's not important anyway. so i walk home, and i send you the most sweetest honest text message, cuz i'm that kind of guy. it doesn't matter anyway, i probably won't fuck you. i probably shouldn't. i've been warned. you'll call me tomorrow. maybe you'll apologize. it's doesn't matter anyways, it's all a pet shop boys song at this point now anyways. but i will not be a fucking mirror.